Fire and blood

This morning I felt awful.

For some reason, I woke up feeling miserable and started crying and crying... And then silent crying so my bf wouldn't notice because that's just who I am...

My mind kept repeating how worthless I am, how he didn't love me not need me, how I don't have any friends because who would want an useless, pointless, horrible person like me?

After breakfast I felt a little better and then, a lot of blood came rushing down to signal my period and, with that, a lot of pain. And I mean it: a lot of pain. 

So I cried and cried and cried again, which my bf noticed, of course, and then he took action: he gave some ibuprofen, heated some water to fill my heating baggie, and held me while telling me how much he loved me.

I had to go to the bathroom to try and put my menstrual cup and after what felt like half an hour, I managed to get it more or less in place and I was ready to lay down in bed and cry a little more while the pill kicked in and the pain subsided.

For the rest of the day, it went smoothly: no more horrible pain, no blood in the bed, and no tears. 

By night I had to remove the cup, wash it and try to put it in again, in preparation for sleep... But then my anxiety got a little in the way, feeling a weird texture in the cup, filling my mind with recurrent thoughts of what will happen if the cup was not safe to use and the horrible results of Toxic Shock Syndrome.

And that's why I'm still awake, trying to convince my mind that it couldn't and will not happen cause there was nothing wrong with the cup, and I washed it twice and I had it only for five months or so, perfectly stored and cared for. I have only used in a previous period, like give months ago cause I'm irregular af, and before this time, I felt it, smelled it, disinfected it and washed it before using it...

Still, I feel a little uneasy and, of course, my body feels a little hot every time I get anxious so... I'm writing this in order to relax a little... Hope it helps, cause I'm really sleepy...