Demasiado pedir...

Yo sólo quería que me amaras a mí...

Sólo a mí...

No debí haber nacido...

Nunca debí haber existido...

Fear

I started to take therapy this Wednesday. It's via video call and only an hour per week, but it's really inexpensive thanks to my bff -whose sister is my therapist- and I do hope it helps me. 

Although maybe we did not start really well. After nearly an hour of me talking about some issues, she concluded by telling I have been making major decisions based on fear. 

I do not remember if she told me directly or I just assumed, but one of those decisions is choosing to stay with a boyfriend that cheated once and kept sexting with more than three women, before we decided to open the relationship...

And now, I'm panicking...

Fickle

Why am I always the stupid one? The obstinate, stubborn, the one that does not understand...?

Hate

I'm absolutely enraged. 

I'm mad.

I'm tired.

Why do I have to be a woman? Why do I have to bleed? 

I fucking hate it.

Fucking fucking hate it.

My head hurts. My vagina hurts.

I cannot use the menstrual cup properly. 

Every day I have to spend at least 20 minutes, twice a day, trying to put it in place.

I fucking hate myself.

I'm useless.

And I'm tired.

And it hurts.

And I fucking hate this.

Fire and blood

This morning I felt awful.

For some reason, I woke up feeling miserable and started crying and crying... And then silent crying so my bf wouldn't notice because that's just who I am...

My mind kept repeating how worthless I am, how he didn't love me not need me, how I don't have any friends because who would want an useless, pointless, horrible person like me?

After breakfast I felt a little better and then, a lot of blood came rushing down to signal my period and, with that, a lot of pain. And I mean it: a lot of pain. 

So I cried and cried and cried again, which my bf noticed, of course, and then he took action: he gave some ibuprofen, heated some water to fill my heating baggie, and held me while telling me how much he loved me.

I had to go to the bathroom to try and put my menstrual cup and after what felt like half an hour, I managed to get it more or less in place and I was ready to lay down in bed and cry a little more while the pill kicked in and the pain subsided.

For the rest of the day, it went smoothly: no more horrible pain, no blood in the bed, and no tears. 

By night I had to remove the cup, wash it and try to put it in again, in preparation for sleep... But then my anxiety got a little in the way, feeling a weird texture in the cup, filling my mind with recurrent thoughts of what will happen if the cup was not safe to use and the horrible results of Toxic Shock Syndrome.

And that's why I'm still awake, trying to convince my mind that it couldn't and will not happen cause there was nothing wrong with the cup, and I washed it twice and I had it only for five months or so, perfectly stored and cared for. I have only used in a previous period, like give months ago cause I'm irregular af, and before this time, I felt it, smelled it, disinfected it and washed it before using it...

Still, I feel a little uneasy and, of course, my body feels a little hot every time I get anxious so... I'm writing this in order to relax a little... Hope it helps, cause I'm really sleepy...

I think I'll never get what I want...

Tired

Today I awoke with an unspoken rage inside. 

I suppose my brain reached that file and I cannot shake the feeling.

I'm mad.

No.

I'm enraged.

A friend told me I was really mean when correcting his writing. But when I stopped telling him about my crush because he only called me stupid every time, it was because I'm a bad friend who does not want to share.

When my boyfriend gets mad at me for making faces -which he always interprets in the worst way-, I'm the one who has to change that. When I get mad at him because he cannot get off his phone for a few minutes to listen to what I'm saying, I'm the one who has to tell him to pay attention because otherwise he won't know if what I'm saying is important or not...

And I'm tired...

I cannot keep up...

Mar

 Se siente como si te arrastrara el mar, ¿sabes?

Y las olas te revuelcan incesantemente contra la arena y el cielo queda a tus pies y no hay manera de salir ni de ver ni de respirar. Te abraza y te lleva hacia su centro, incapaz de resistirse, un amante conduciéndote a su lecho...

A veces sólo cierras los ojos y caes en los brazos abiertos del océano, y su inmensidad llena tus pulmones. Y te hundes... te hundes... Sin remedio. Y la luz no te alcanza, se aleja, en ocasiones ni siquiera pareciera hacer el esfuerzo. ¿Qué es una sola alma contra la inmensidad del océano? Sólo te dejas...

En ocasiones hay calma y el mar te permite observar las luces de su espejo mientras flotas boca arriba, a la deriva, a su capricho.

Siempre es noche.

Error

¿¿Por qué yo sí tengo que cambiar lo que hago y cómo le hago para no molestar al señor, pero cuando yo le digo lo que me molesta de lo que hace, entonces le vale madre??

A veces creo que solo soy un error...